So, I discovered this mind-blowing and reforming thought when I was hanging out with the wonderful Julie Smartt this past weekend. She and I got to be work crew bosses together at RB (AWESOME) along with Josh and (my boyfriend) Ryan. Can't believe that parenthetical statement... shocks me a little every time I say it. Boyfriend. *Zzt*. Anywho... Jules and I were hanging out late on Friday night, licking the creases and tearing these little prayer sheets to give to the college work crew the next day, and just talking about life. It's amazing - she and I are in pretty much the exact same work situation. We both love one of our co-workers who does not know/love Jesus, and we both can't really stand our bosses. Funny, the theme of the devotional the next night that Josh gave was "Loving Your Enemies." Oh You and Your hilarious yet ever-so-significant and serious timing. Thanks.
Friday, we really just talked and laughed about our frustrations with our bosses. On Saturday, next-day, I was dining hall work-crew boss with Ryan (yay:)). When we were in the dining hall together, I happened to be near the head guy Chad when he was first giving instructions. After that, he kept pulling me aside for instructions, and I kept giving the instructions (without really giving Ryan much room for giving instructions. I gotta calm down sometimes). Things were a little hectic and I was in go-go-go mode. Which, inevitably, caused my intestines to explode with anger after the mostly purely fried and buttered food lunch of fried chicken sandwiches, french fries, and DELICIOUS chocolate chip cookies. woops.
So I spent the afternoon in the bathroom and then in my room recovering while Ryan took over the dining hall. He was so patient and considerate about it all, and with a good sense of humor. Not really stressed. I like that...
Looking back on it though, I realized that I was finding myself kind of off with him that day. It seemed I was treating everyone else normally, but viewing him in a judgmental light. What was I doing??
It wasn't until later that night, after we prayed in the dining hall during the 20 minutes, that all this revealed something new to my heart. I hopped up on stage with Ryan and he says,
"How were your 20 minutes?"
"Good. Got a little distracted at some points, but it was pretty good overall. Yeah.... how about you?"
"It was good, it was really intense. My friend asked me to pray for this one girl from their area and I literally visualized her being dead and then coming to life."
I shuddered a bit. It seemed really real. And intense.
And then suddenly, I was really attracted to Ryan. "Whaatt?" I heard in my head. Like a huge revelation... When I see Ryan being the man of God that he is, when I see Jesus in him, it really attracts me to him. So. sweet.
The rest of the night went really well. Any time he'd make a silly joke, I would laugh or find myself more attracted to him with each one. Sweet how that works, eh?
So things with he and I were good. AND I discovered that he plays guitar later that night. And sings. Who is this guy? I like him... :).
So, here we are on Saturday night at Josh's devo time and somehow I end up in the back of the room doing the devo questions with Julie Smartt! Sure enough, the devo was about loving your enemies. During our brilliantly deep conversation about accomplishing the impossible (on our own, that is) - loving our bosses the way Jesus does and viewing them as such - it occurred to me that I get so frustrated with the people close to me because I put so many expectations on them. We were talking about loving our Young Life kids and how it's easier to love them because we don't expect anything in return. In fact, we often expect the worst, or little reaction, or doormat treatment, etcetera. With my family though, I expect so much and always feel disappointed or frustrated. Why can't I just love them as they are? For who they are? Why can't I just let them be them and love them without expectation? A learning process, I'm sure. And something to actively pray for and do.
So here's to loving without expectations - with recklessly pure hope, trust, and faith. Isn't this the way it was supposed to be? I'm thinkin yeah...
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