tantrums, cheese, and other factors

Yeah... I know. Sounds like I'm leading into a common denominator, yet the connection between tantrums and cheese is a little bit... well elusive, really. Unless, of course, you see some lady at the grocery store quickly snag the last wheel of gouda out of your almost-going-to-grasp-it/in-my-line-of-sight target zone, and you end up tight-chested, teeth-clenched, and gripping the shopping cart as you take a sharp turn to steer toward lesser cheeses...

Au contraire, mon amis - this one's about self-discipline.

It's a thought that's been coming up a lot recently. In interactions with others. In the way I love and respect myself, body, time, life, the Lord, others... everything. There's something at the core of me that wants to resist and rebel against anything possibly good for me. A sort of inner anti self-discipline resistance. I just feel like I constantly have to fight it. Luckily not alone, but it's a fight indeed. A humble, exposed, and honest fight.

I see this fight in others, too. The other night, my Mom and I were riding back from the Cheesecake Factory together. She was voicing her frustrations over some of her friends, pondering why they weren't able to discipline themselves in their diets and workout regimens. See, my Mom is passionate about nutrition. She doesn't have a degree in it or anything, but she might as well. She's read countless books about different diets, biological processes, effects of food, etc. I'm pretty certain if you step within a five foot radius of her kitchen and stick around for a while, you'll hear something about nutrition eventually.

Back to our drive the other night, she talked about her friends, family, and her relationship, naming all kinds of symptoms of lack of self-discipline. Here are some examples:

Someone...
1. Wanting to change their unhealthy habits, but not carrying it out in the long term
2. Wanting to act (eat, exercise, be) more healthily, but then binging on the unhealthy (ice cream/cookies etc)
3. Wanting a change of appearance - inside and out, but not being willing to empty out their pantry of all that's bad for them
4. Wanting the excellent end-benefits, but not taking steps to get there in the present time
5. Seeing the end-goal/change as something unattainable, and sticking to the comfort of current ways, no matter how they may impair or affect the long-term turnout

Interesting. As I fight for self-discipline, I definitely see these patterns in myself. I asked my mom questions to dig to the core of her own issue with others' lack of self-discipline. She said she's tried and tried to help people, but they never want to help themselves. There's a part of me that wonders if she's projecting - tacking on expectations like "if I can do it, they can, too." I addressed her phenomenal ability to motivate herself and work to the bone, and noted that "a lot of people don't have that ability, myself included. I need accountability when it comes to changing habits. I need someone there to keep track of me, help discipline me. I need a different kind of motivation than just myself." Still figuring out what that is exactly. Hence this post.

She said that the good benefits should be motivation enough. She's right, but it seems people don't operate that way. I don't think I operate that way. There's a disconnect between the unhealthy and the good. People often seem to be missing the path between the two. I often don't connect the path between to the two. It's like we see it in front of us, but opt for a different way - walking in circles, climbing broken ladders, fill in any analogy here ______. It's like we intentionally avoid what's good for us. Like we're running from the healthy.

Why?

I've mentioned before that I'm a math freak, but I'm a grammatical freak as well (although I abuse it freely in these posts). If you look back at the second clause in each of the five points, these statements are based on the will of action of the actor. More simply put, we choose. We choose to act. We have active wills, and we actively choose to act on different options. A lot of times we won't change because we believe it is out of their control. We're operating in a world where we want control over our circumstances, but feign control when it comes to being personally responsible for our actions.

While in this scenario, we're talking about food and diets, I find it's all reflective of self-discipline in life in general. Especially in my walk with the Lord.

My Mom was saying how her one friend wanted to lose weight, so my Mom offered to come clean out her pantry. She responded "Oh no no no, I'm not ready for that yet."

I immediately thought of Christ. Is this the path humankind is missing? Is this something I'm missing? When I keep old, dirty, unhealthy stuff in my pantry, and refuse to let Jesus come and clean it out. Is it hidden back there in the depths of me? Packed away and ignored, assuming that as long as it doesn't surface, it won't harm me? Something I'm holding onto, this sinful nature, that's keeping me from the fully abundant and vivacious, "healthy" life in Christ? Do I even recognize what I'm holding onto?

That's what I identify the resistance as. The junk in my pantry. The tantrums and cheeses. Sin. The part of me that resists when my Mom tells me to do something, and I don't want to do it. Just because she told me to. I asked her to offer it up as an option, and then I would go about it willingly. She didn't understand.

Sometimes I do this with God - think that His intentions are to pull my strings like a marionette. Yet my own perspective towards Him can be that of a Blessings-giving machine. But that just ain't right. And that just ain't fulfillin'. And this tainted perspective of a relationship just isn't what I'm looking for nor intended for to satisfy this burning desire for the healthy - the first half of those five points - a fulfilling, God-others-and-self loving way of life. This perspective I have isn't walking me down that connecting path.

I feel like the Lord has been breaking me of this perspective for the past year or so. Opening my eyes to see who He truly is - faithful, loving, abundant, peaceful, kind, gentle, compassionate, giving, hopeful, all-powerful, gracious, selfless, God.

I'm at a cross-point of conviction - in need of a mental pantry sweeping. God is so much simpler and so much grander than I make him out to be. I'm praying for that revival - to abandon myself to full faith, hope, and love and soar on the wings of freedom. To stop worrying, hating, criticizing, and keeping up with self-and-others destructive behavior. To not get caught up in tantrums over small things. To willfully avert my tastes from the cheeses and chocolates toward the fruit and salads (seeing as how i'm lactose intolerant. and potentially anti-glutenous as well). To know and believe that self-discipline is a good and loving thing. That God is a good and abundantly loving God.

It's like I said earlier: this is a straight up battle - a fight against all that was and a coming into all that really is. Maybe this is a topic for a later time, but I'm being struck with the beauty of reality recently - not on what isn't yet or what could be, but on what's right in front of me. How my actions, faith, perspective, walk, and circumstances matter today. How I have to take the bottom steps before I can get to the top ones. One day at a time. Living and trusting God in the present time, for the future time.. for all time? I'm thinkin yeah.

And this great love will bring about the discipline. Without the nasty or fear-and-rebellion-inducing connotations generally attached to the word.

This post is a bit ironic in point right now seeing as how I'm using it to procrastinate on things that I should go do right now that will be good for me.

Alright, off I go. Chip chip cheerio and all that sort!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T... findin' out what it means to me

If I were asked the question "Would you rather be always loved but never respected, or always respected but never loved for the rest of your life?" I would probably side with the first option - always loved but never respected. It's more of a complicated trick question than anything, too, seeing as how love and respect, as I'm learning, are so deeply interrelated.

I think this question resonates with anyone because it comes from something deeply written inside of us - whether it is from our souls or just our hormone levels.  In any way, it definitely goes back to the Bible - Men, love your wives. Wives, respect your husbands. Huh, so that's why romantic comedies do so well in our movie industry - it's all about women getting the love we desire (or men on the pursuit, which is why some of you guys - admit it - like some of the romantic comedies. i.e. roles like Colin Firth's in Love Actually). Ultimately, the point I'm getting to is that each gender gets some kind of incredible adrenaline high fulfillment, and hopefully, rather, a consistent satisfaction in life from being loved and/or respected.

I fail at this. At both, really. Love and respect. Given the title of this post though, let's tackle the latter.

Of recent, I definitely have not been giving my boss the respect he deserves as a child of Christ nor as he probably desires. Here's the problem I've witnessed with that. I like math, so let's break this down to simple idealogic variables:

a: Boss frustrates Lauren with criticism --> Lauren gets upset/feels disrespected
b: Lauren gets upset/feels disrespected --> Lauren does not respect Boss
c: Lauren does not respect Boss --> Boss does not receive desired respect
----- CONCLUSION
Boss frustrates Lauren with criticism --> Boss does not receive desired respect

Oh yeah, and therefore:

Boss does not receive desired respect --> Boss continues to frustrate Lauren with criticism


Forgive me, I loved Logic in college. And this is, well, a pretty logical and straightforward display of a realistic situation. The trouble with this is it becomes this ineffective and self-and-others-deprecating cycle. Not healthy. Not fun. Not a pretty environment to work in, to say the least.

Being that my boss is 67, stubborn, and pretty well-set in his ways, I figured I'm probably the one who needs to take action. This realization came probably more from conviction the Lord has been putting on my heart. I was reading in Hebrews 13 today, and it talked about respecting your authority figures. D-dang. Could I have been called out any more? Probs not. It went on to say how that respecting your authority figures would better benefit you (me) in the end. Oh wow... well yeah. That would make sense, wouldn't it?

Following my conversation with Julie from the previous post (Great Expectations), this has been no easy task. But I've been trying to accomplish it on my own... so today, I prayed. I asked my Lord for His love to Love others with. And out of the overflow of love comes, amazingly, respect. Huh.

So I came into work all bubbly and smiley today, which is a little odd considering it's a rainy day and usually I match the weather on these days - quiet, calm, and gray... with the exception of today's display of light humor and white, shiny teeth.

Actual conversation:

Boss: How are you? (somewhat gloomily)
Lauren: (smiling) I'm great, thanks! How are you?
Boss: Oh wow, really? (tone of surprise) Huh... I'm good, thanks. .... Really, you're great on this rainy day?
Lauren: yeah!
Boss: Oh... just didn't see it coming, you're so bubbly.


Bahahaha. I fully believe in my Lord and his Spirit of love and respect changing this office around. That by loving and respecting each other, we may actually be able to get through to each other better in our communication and daily actions/interactions.

Sweet sauce. Just a thought I've been having recently. If there's someone you've been disrespecting or disloving (not a word? I make them up sometimes), I encourage you to ask the Lord for His love to love them with and watch the atmosphere go from gloomy to bright and lovely! Even on a rainy day.

Tight.

Great Expectations

I've got em. It just occurred to me this past weekend at Rockbridge that I put a lot of expectations on the people I get close to in life. Huh...

So, I discovered this mind-blowing and reforming thought when I was hanging out with the wonderful Julie Smartt this past weekend. She and I got to be work crew bosses together at RB (AWESOME) along with Josh and (my boyfriend) Ryan. Can't believe that parenthetical statement... shocks me a little every time I say it. Boyfriend. *Zzt*. Anywho... Jules and I were hanging out late on Friday night, licking the creases and tearing these little prayer sheets to give to the college work crew the next day, and just talking about life. It's amazing - she and I are in pretty much the exact same work situation. We both love one of our co-workers who does not know/love Jesus, and we both can't really stand our bosses. Funny, the theme of the devotional the next night that Josh gave was "Loving Your Enemies." Oh You and Your hilarious yet ever-so-significant and serious timing. Thanks.

Friday, we really just talked and laughed about our frustrations with our bosses. On Saturday, next-day, I was dining hall work-crew boss with Ryan (yay:)). When we were in the dining hall together, I happened to be near the head guy Chad when he was first giving instructions. After that, he kept pulling me aside for instructions, and I kept giving the instructions (without really giving Ryan much room for giving instructions. I gotta calm down sometimes). Things were a little hectic and I was in go-go-go mode. Which, inevitably, caused my intestines to explode with anger after the mostly purely fried and buttered food lunch of fried chicken sandwiches, french fries, and DELICIOUS chocolate chip cookies. woops.

So I spent the afternoon in the bathroom and then in my room recovering while Ryan took over the dining hall. He was so patient and considerate about it all, and with a good sense of humor. Not really stressed. I like that...

Looking back on it though, I realized that I was finding myself kind of off with him that day. It seemed I was treating everyone else normally, but viewing him in a judgmental light. What was I doing??

It wasn't until later that night, after we prayed in the dining hall during the 20 minutes, that all this revealed something new to my heart. I hopped up on stage with Ryan and he says,

"How were your 20 minutes?"

"Good. Got a little distracted at some points, but it was pretty good overall. Yeah.... how about you?"

"It was good, it was really intense. My friend asked me to pray for this one girl from their area and I literally visualized her being dead and then coming to life."

I shuddered a bit. It seemed really real. And intense.

And then suddenly, I was really attracted to Ryan. "Whaatt?" I heard in my head. Like a huge revelation... When I see Ryan being the man of God that he is, when I see Jesus in him, it really attracts me to him. So. sweet.

The rest of the night went really well. Any time he'd make a silly joke, I would laugh or find myself more attracted to him with each one. Sweet how that works, eh?

So things with he and I were good. AND I discovered that he plays guitar later that night. And sings. Who is this guy? I like him... :).

So, here we are on Saturday night at Josh's devo time and somehow I end up in the back of the room doing the devo questions with Julie Smartt! Sure enough, the devo was about loving your enemies. During our brilliantly deep conversation about accomplishing the impossible (on our own, that is) - loving our bosses the way Jesus does and viewing them as such - it occurred to me that I get so frustrated with the people close to me because I put so many expectations on them. We were talking about loving our Young Life kids and how it's easier to love them because we don't expect anything in return. In fact, we often expect the worst, or little reaction, or doormat treatment, etcetera. With my family though, I expect so much and always feel disappointed or frustrated. Why can't I just love them as they are? For who they are? Why can't I just let them be them and love them without expectation? A learning process, I'm sure. And something to actively pray for and do.

So here's to loving without expectations - with recklessly pure hope, trust, and faith. Isn't this the way it was supposed to be? I'm thinkin yeah...

10 things I like about you

Dear Ryan,

It is your birthday. Happy birthday. For this memorabilious (not a word) occasion, I've concocted the following list of things that I like about you.

10 things I like about you (in no particular order)

1. you are really stinkin cute when you smile/laugh

2. you're goofy and have that punk sense of humor... like dumping an entire bag of chips on my head. i like that.

3. Jesus lives in you, and that is rull-y attractive to me

4. you not only play sports and games, but you like to play sports and games. and frisbee.

5. you're really sweet to me, and a good listener and friend

6. you are genuine with everyone you come in contact with, and have a compassionate heart and a willing ear to show it

7. you're not afraid to just be you - whether that means singing at the top of your lungs, being a total goofball, or being.... kind of awkward. which i'm okay with, by the way...

8. you're witty, an excellent writer, and you like puns.

9. you're a little bit "G"

10. I like spending time with you. I just do.

Yup. that's it. Disfrutate! :)

So I stay near the door...

I stay near the door.
I neither go too far in, nor stay too far out.
The door is the most important door in the world –
It is the door through which men walk when they find God.
There’s no use my going way inside, and staying there,
When so many are still outside, and they, as much as I,
Crave to know where the door is.
And all that so many ever find
Is only the wall where a door ought to be.
They creep along the wall like blind men,
With outstretched, groping hands,
Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door,
Yet they never find it -
So I stay near the door.

The most tremendous thing in the world

Is for men to find that door – the door to God.

The most important thing any man can do

Is to take hold of one of those blind, groping hands,

And put it on the latch – the latch that only clicks

And opens to the man’s own touch.

Men die outside that door, as starving beggars die

On cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter –

Die for want of what is within their grasp.

They live, on the other side of it – because they have found it.

Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it,

And open it, and walk in, and find Him -

So I stay near the door.

Go in, great saints, go all the way in –

Go way down into the cavernous cellars,

And way up into the spacious attics –

It is a vast, roomy house, this house where God is.

Go into the deepest of hidden casements,

Of withdrawal, of silence, or sainthood.

Some must inhabit those inner rooms,

And know the depths and heights of God,

And call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is.

Sometimes I take a deeper look in,

Sometimes venture a little farther;

But my place seems closer to the opening -

So I stay near the door.

There is another reason why I stay there.

Some people get part way in and become afraid

Lest God and the zeal of His house devour them;

For God is so very great, and asks all of us.

And these people feel a cosmic claustrophobia.

And want to get out. “Let me out!” they cry.

And the people way inside only terrify them more.

Somebody must be by the door to tell them that they are spoiled

For the old life, they have seen too much;

Once taste God, and nothing but God will do any more.

Somebody must be watching for the frightened

Who seek to sneak out just where they came in,

To tell them how much better it is inside.

The people too far in do not see how near these are

To leaving–preoccupied with the wonder of it all.

Somebody must watch for those who have entered the door,

But would like to run away. So for them too,

I stay near the door.

I admire the people who go way in.

But I wish they would not forget how it was

Before they got in. Then they would be able to help

The people who have not yet even found the door,

Or the people who want to run away again from God.

You can go in too deeply, and stay too long,

And forget the people outside the door.

As for me, I shall take my old accustomed place,

Near enough to God to hear Him, and know He is there,

But not so far from men as not to hear them,

And remember they are there, too.

Where? Outside the door –

Thousands of them, millions of them.

But – more important for me –

One of them, two of them, ten of them,

Whose hands I am intended to put on the latch.

For those, I shall stay by the door and wait

For those who seek it.

"I had rather be a door-keeper..."

So I stay near the door.

without any conviction of the heart

Where is the love? where is my HOPE?

I place it in circumstances. I hope that my life is easy, not challenging, happy and life-giving.

Hope in my Savior? Do I really believe with all my being that you have saved me from myself, from sin, from eternal damnation and separation from you? Do I place my hope in you? knowing that You are YOU, know what You're doing, who You're being, who You're loving, who You're with?

I confess that I've been hoping for good circumstances, and not for You to come, Lord, to be here and to live out in my life and into the lives of others, for your kingdom to come, to be here now, to spread throughout the world that it's not just for me but for everyone. for the kids in Peru, for the ones in Richmond, in Fredericksburg, my friends from home, family, people I've never met, broken people, tall people, hated people, sexually promiscuous people, Asian people, Buddhist people, lovers and haters of God of war or violence of love of patience of addictions of pleasure of all of it, and sometimes everything that isn't You.

more simply, they're all Your children. Do I see that?

the timothy project

"Lord... I confess that there's a part of me that wonders if I'm doing this because there's nothing else really set or available for me to do next year."

"Lauren, that's a lie. You could be doing a number of things next year and I will be right there with you. Arlington, Virginia Beach, Fredericksburg, back home, wherever... but you're choosing to go where I am calling you. It requires faith, trust, and believing that I love you to really move forward from here. You may not know what's going to come. There may be hard times, but it will be good because I will always be there. Don't be afraid, you have nothing to fear for I am near."

Omni/Everpresent

"Have I been with you so long, and yet you have not known Me, Philip?" - John 14:9

From the wisdom given to Oswald Chambers from God...

"The mystery of God is not in what is going to be - it is now, though we look for it to be revealed in the future in some overwhelming, momentous event."

I keep thinking I'm not there yet... That I have to wait to get to a certain point in my relationship with Jesus to fully understand the Cross, or what He did for me, or what it means to live out this life fully following Him. But if I'm waiting for some big future moment, then what's happening now?

"His response immediately comes back to us as He says, 'Can't you see Him? He is always right here or He is nowhere to be found.' We look for God to exhibit Himself to His children, but God only exhibits Himself in His children. And while others see the evidence, the child of God does not."

I don't think I pick up on this often. I mean, I do and I don't. I see the way He works through my friends - like Blythe, Katie, Mom, Christie, even people I'm not that close with like Julie Hodous and Hunter the other days.

"We want to be fully aware of what God is doing in us, but we cannot have complete awareness and expect to remain reasonable or balanced in our expectations of Him. If all we are asking god to give us is experiences, and the awareness of those experiences is blocking our way, we hurt the Lord."

"The very questions we ask hurt Jesus, because they are not the questions of a child."

"'Let not your heart be troubled...' (John 14:1, 27). Am I then hurting Jesus by allowing my heart to be troubled? If I believe in Jesus and His attributes, am I living up to my belief? Am I allowing anything to disturb my heart, or am I allowing any questions to come in which are unsound or unbalanced?

"I have to get to the point of the absolute and unquestionable relationship that takes everything exactly as it comes from Him. God never guides us at some time in the future, but always here and now. Realize that the Lord is here now, and the freedom you receive is immediate."

march 29, 2010

it's not a matter of being well-versed in idealogies of you, but of being wrapped up in your arms, so close to You

ozzy on faith

"Faith, however, is not intellectual understanding; faith is a deliberate commitment to the Person of Jesus Christ, even when I can't see the way ahead." - Oswald Chambers

Matthew 14:29 - "Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.

west virginia

today, we went to west virginia to pick up miles' car. it was denn, miles, and me.

on the way back, denn asked me how i was doing... i couldn't really answer so i asked him about what's goin on his life. after a while, i answered his question. i was overwhelmed - i have so much trouble expressing myself. i can somewhat explain what i'm feeling, but it takes a little while to get to why it is i'm feeling that way.

i told him that i think i have three levels.

surface level - conversation, humor, acquaintances

deep level - what seems like i'm going deep with others

deepest level - what i don't even understand sometimes. the level i need to discuss out loud to organize my thoughts and try to decipher them

at my deepest level, i've been feeling confused... like i don't understand my relationship with God - wondering if I really know Jesus, if I'm really following Him.

Denn told me that because I'm still seeking and pursuing Him, I'm following Him. There's often a disconnect between what I'm learning and how I live it out. Jesus works in my life, He reveals things to me - but I'm not trusting in Him. I need to live and act out in faith, not in fear. In hope, not in worry. In joy, not in negativity.

Here we gooo...

pride

i think it's pride that keeps me from

living an adventure

from really trusting Jesus with everything

having the faith I'm looking for

from living a life full of joy, peace, passion, kindness, faith, love

not anger, bitterness, dryness, blandness, and fatigue

from believing fully, without doubt in Your abilities nor Your will

making decisions

from living the life i'm meant to live by Your will, not by mine

break me of my pride, Lord. please grasp it from my fingertips, the way you gently do, that I may know You more. that I may live in adventure. that You find me useful and show me Your love when I'm not 'getting it,' or understanding You.

life (right now) in 2010

i realized it tonight...

I've been set free from some things recently. Example:

Dave. Laura and I had lunch last week, I told her what I've written about before - that I thought I had been told that Dave would be my husband. Problems with this: I was stressed out beyond all human reason! Couldn't deal with the jealousy, disrespect, fact that I felt like we don't click at all, confusion - did I really hear it? did I imagine it?, and breaking down every day a couple weeks ago over all of this.

She tells me, "I don't think he's it. I don't think he's the one. I mean, I can't tell you what you heard; but I don't think he is." It was like the BIGGEST RELIEF OF MY LIFE. How I didn't realize that before, I don't know. Maybe I wasn't hearing correctly. I was praying that he wasn't the one and that God would free me from it, cause I couldn't take the pain anymore. and lo, He did! I got home and literally celebrated. I was so happy and so full of joy to be FREE!

I don't really know why I thought He told me that, if He actually did, or what the greater reason behind all this was. Maybe it was because I believed that someone was already picked out for me, so I wouldn't go off and wonder if every guy was going to be my future husband - that I could love my guy friends just as brothers in Christ, and nothing more (which I have learned - so cool). Who knows? But I couldn't stand the thought of all the messiness behind our friendship, past, etc (not really happening, but emotionally messy on my side of things) leading to a Godly relationship. It broke me down to tears because in that kind of relationship, I want romance, love, respect, a guy who will value me, one that I will become one with. Beautiful.

Second thing - I got a job today. Weird, surprising, fast (the interview/application was today, too), almost too good to be true. I'm going to do a little more research/see if I can shadow them for a day. But if it's all real, then wow. I've been praying about this for a while. Even this morning. No doors were opening, and suddenly one opened, and fast.

So, today was a good day. Then, tonight, I got home and couldn't focus on youth retreat plans (in 1.5 days!! gotta nail these down and out!!). Instead, I've been focusing on myself - satisfying temporary needs like hunger, thirst (hot chocolate), and working out to make my body look good - (does that make sense combined with the first two? no. do i have self-discipline? somewhat lacking...). And so I realized, sweet beans. Once I get what I've been asking for or what I want - once a need or long-waited desire is satisfied, do I even believe it? is it still too good to be true? * do I recognize it as God working in my life do i believe that He loves me?

for shame.

i'm so selfish. i still seek temporary satisfaction. i seek You with an agenda. even when the agenda is filled, i'm still not happy. clearly, i'm finding my source of life elsewhere than really, deeply, truly in You. Lord, I need to be satisfied in You and You alone. The other fleeting things - jobs, dating, body shape, beauty - they'll come and go in this life. Or maybe stay as sin tuggers throughout - I pray I'd be sensitive to the tugging of Your Spirit. To always desire to hear You. To fall in love with You and Your heart. Lord, I want to know what it's like to see the world through your eyes - to feel for Your people through Your heart, that You may send me and I will go and love Your children. Will you show me, Lord? Will You reveal Yourself to me? Please, do not hide from me, that I may know You more. That I may fall in love for the very first time with You. Not infatuation, not interest, not intrigue - but madness. Completely, head over heels, frolicking in flowers in green meadows and blue skies, dancing in waterfalls in sparkling sunlight - with You. Jesus, will you be the love of my life?

trust

I'm learning that it's not about doing things, but about just trusting in the Lord.

truth.

but do I actually believe it?

do I actually live this way?

what does that even mean?

to me, it means to live in trust and in faith every day. that He loves me. that He's going to act. that, in whatever I do, I do it alongside with Him - that He lives in me, and out of this love and trust and faith outflows actions of love and trust and faith.

that I am free to live, as I seek out Him and His will.

human doing or human being?

"Be still and know that I am God..." - Psalm 46:10a

It's not so much about what we do... yet, that's not quite sinking in as much as it should.

I care so much about me. I worry so much about my future. About my present. About jobs, future locations, potential future husband, jobs again, where You want me or will send me.

but is this all what You care about?

Or do you care about... me.

My focus is still so much on things of this world. Give me a vision for greater things, Lord. For treasures stored up in heaven. We went for a walk today, and this was placed on my mind - that treasures stored up in heaven are, legitimately, treasures stored up in heaven. Where do I put my value? or take it, rather?

From others' image of me. From judgments. From what I am doing rather than who I am being. From almost anything but You. Not to say that I don't take my value in You... I seek it elsewhere still, though.

when will I learn, Lord? When will I stop saying "I," Lord? and be confident in who I am in and with you, Jesus? Can I let go of all of this, of myself, and stop being so selfish?

I don't want to know You just to become like You, Lord, that I may go and change the world... but, I want to be with You. to live life with You. to spend my days and my time and my life here on earth learning from and living with and falling more in love with You. May this be the greatest romance of my life, Lord. Greater than anything I could ever imagine, even with another person here on earth.

See, You know this about me already, but I am such a hopeless romantic. I want nothing more than to know and be known intimately. Inside and out. Heart for heart. Heart in heart, life in life, this is love.

Come in to my heart, Lord. Come into my life. Teach me, show me, and above all, Love me. I love you and want to spend the rest of eternity with You. Oh how awesome, Lord! How amazing beyond all comprehension!

Please remain at the center of everything in my life, that I may not look to the left or to the right, but straight into your eyes, or walk right by your side. And always be in your presence and witnessing your glory. And set my sights on naught else but You, Lord.