I've been set free from some things recently. Example:
Dave. Laura and I had lunch last week, I told her what I've written about before - that I thought I had been told that Dave would be my husband. Problems with this: I was stressed out beyond all human reason! Couldn't deal with the jealousy, disrespect, fact that I felt like we don't click at all, confusion - did I really hear it? did I imagine it?, and breaking down every day a couple weeks ago over all of this.
She tells me, "I don't think he's it. I don't think he's the one. I mean, I can't tell you what you heard; but I don't think he is." It was like the BIGGEST RELIEF OF MY LIFE. How I didn't realize that before, I don't know. Maybe I wasn't hearing correctly. I was praying that he wasn't the one and that God would free me from it, cause I couldn't take the pain anymore. and lo, He did! I got home and literally celebrated. I was so happy and so full of joy to be FREE!
I don't really know why I thought He told me that, if He actually did, or what the greater reason behind all this was. Maybe it was because I believed that someone was already picked out for me, so I wouldn't go off and wonder if every guy was going to be my future husband - that I could love my guy friends just as brothers in Christ, and nothing more (which I have learned - so cool). Who knows? But I couldn't stand the thought of all the messiness behind our friendship, past, etc (not really happening, but emotionally messy on my side of things) leading to a Godly relationship. It broke me down to tears because in that kind of relationship, I want romance, love, respect, a guy who will value me, one that I will become one with. Beautiful.
Second thing - I got a job today. Weird, surprising, fast (the interview/application was today, too), almost too good to be true. I'm going to do a little more research/see if I can shadow them for a day. But if it's all real, then wow. I've been praying about this for a while. Even this morning. No doors were opening, and suddenly one opened, and fast.
So, today was a good day. Then, tonight, I got home and couldn't focus on youth retreat plans (in 1.5 days!! gotta nail these down and out!!). Instead, I've been focusing on myself - satisfying temporary needs like hunger, thirst (hot chocolate), and working out to make my body look good - (does that make sense combined with the first two? no. do i have self-discipline? somewhat lacking...). And so I realized, sweet beans. Once I get what I've been asking for or what I want - once a need or long-waited desire is satisfied, do I even believe it? is it still too good to be true? * do I recognize it as God working in my life do i believe that He loves me?
for shame.
i'm so selfish. i still seek temporary satisfaction. i seek You with an agenda. even when the agenda is filled, i'm still not happy. clearly, i'm finding my source of life elsewhere than really, deeply, truly in You. Lord, I need to be satisfied in You and You alone. The other fleeting things - jobs, dating, body shape, beauty - they'll come and go in this life. Or maybe stay as sin tuggers throughout - I pray I'd be sensitive to the tugging of Your Spirit. To always desire to hear You. To fall in love with You and Your heart. Lord, I want to know what it's like to see the world through your eyes - to feel for Your people through Your heart, that You may send me and I will go and love Your children. Will you show me, Lord? Will You reveal Yourself to me? Please, do not hide from me, that I may know You more. That I may fall in love for the very first time with You. Not infatuation, not interest, not intrigue - but madness. Completely, head over heels, frolicking in flowers in green meadows and blue skies, dancing in waterfalls in sparkling sunlight - with You. Jesus, will you be the love of my life?
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