Alright.. this is one of those moments in life where someone says something super simple (alliteration aside) and casual, but it becomes an epiphany to the listener, me.
I just got to work this morning, and went to the kitchen to grab some breakfast. Not eating breakfast works out famously being that I'm a) not a morning person and b) my company provides copious amounts of food, including the little Quaker Instant Oatmeal Express cups. Excellent.
This particular morning, I ran into my coworker Rob in the kitchen. Rob's a few years older than me, from Boston, and generally your typical nice Northerner. He mumbled something to me.
"Sorry, did you say something??"
Rob: "How are you?"
I open my oatmeal cup, pour some hot water over it, and throw it in the microwave for 25 seconds. Such a time saver, I think to my brilliant self.
"Oh, I'm good thanks. Just, you know... doing. And... living."
Good Lord, I can be awkward in the morning sometimes. Wasn't in think mode yet.
"How about you?"
Rob: "Oh, just another day. They're all pretty much the same anyway."
Annnd with that, he walks swiftly out the kitchen door and down the long, enclosed corridor to his office.
"Whoa," I'm thinking. What he said so nonchalantly struck me with a deeper realization of just this - I don't want to live my life thinking every day is pretty much the same. Sure, it can be pretty true in the work world. I've been blessed with some awesome co-workers who make the days a little sunnier on the inside of a white-walled, fluorescent-light building. But still.... isn't there something biblical about that? That there's more hope in life than every day being the same?
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness."
- Lamentations 3:22-23
If even Lord's mercies are new every morning, and our spirits are renewed day by day, I feel like every day must be different, right? Not only different - that's kind of obvious for most people - but we ought to view each day differently. I say these things I want to view each day differently. I never want to lose hope or vision of that. I hope that you, if you're reading this, would never lose vision of that.
I'm turning 25 in a couple of days now, and fully believe the Lord is leading me through a sort of passionate quarter-life-crisis life evaluation. No, I won't say evaluation - perspective change. My perspective and my hopes are being challenged.
Is this what I want to be doing with my life? Is this where you have me, Lord? I trust that you are here, but what about these dormant passions in my heart? I pray that they will come alive, Lord. I'm starting to see more than ever that if it's alive in my heart, I was created in your hands for it. Make it a reality, Lord. But first, may hope become a reality. May I walk by faith with You into the places that are scary to ask for but exciting to see. Will you take my life and mold me, use it to glorify You, Father.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Friday, May 13, 2011
Soy ... bean? milk? una Peruana?
That's right, friend(s). I'm leaping into the giant invisible net otherwise known as "Peru." Or more appropriately, God. Abba. Daddy. Jesus. Holy Spirit.
But physically, I'll be in Peru. For approximately 2.5 months. Hooray!
I've been praying and praying and praying for guidance in this whole shindiddly. And honestly, before finding out about Peru was SO excited about the possibility of going there and wondering if that's the door God was going to open. Like an anxious school girl who's excited to be in class with her crush and stares at him until he looks at her and then she quickly looks away... but then coyly (creepily) turns her gaze back to see if he's still looking. Or... me in 7th grade. That's a different story.
But you know what I mean? Antsy. Excited. Waiting anxiously to see if this could really happen.
And it is! As soon as I found out, I was in shock. Still kind of am in a state of shock. As the details unfold, it's becoming more real. And yet even in the midst of this amazing opportunity, fear and doubts and questions are sneaking in. Really, I'm pretty fed up with doubting God these days. I prayed, "God... I can't stand all of this doubt and fear anymore. It's like I'm not really living when I'm not trusting You." Yet when and as I trust Him, He fills me with all joy and peace in Him (Romans 15:13). Literally, it's the sweetest thing.
He said something sweet to me today. Not an affirmation with big, bright flashing lights saying "Lauren, you're on the right path! Congratulations for selecting correctly!" No, no, no. It was far more subtle than that. Spoken gently, quietly, and saying something else entirely. I was reading Galatians 2, and in Galatians 2:19-20 it says:
19 “For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. 20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. "
I felt a tug to pause and meditate on these verses. And then came "Live by Me." "Yes, Daddy," I returned, and after a moment of praise, began to write these two verses down in my journal. After writing them, I saw that He had spoken directly from His word (check out the bold above). Amazing.
Yet still I prayed, "Okay, but am I on the right path??" No answer. Yet SO much affirmation and excitement when praising Him for who He is. A loving Father, not a trickster judge/dictator. So He shows something to me - everything in this life will come and go, but only He remains the same.
So if I go to Peru or Serbia, or love or hate a job, or lose or make a friend, or stub my toe or burn my toast or have a good hug, it all will begin and have an end. It will all come to pass, and I won't think of it every day for the rest of the days of my life. But what, or Who, I will think about is our loving Father in heaven, who gave His one and only Son for me. And you.
So leaping into the giant invisible net of Peru is a whole lot more like leaping into His hands. And asking and growing and being with Him. In 3 months, I plan to come back to the States, and who knows what will happen then? Another job, opportunity, open door, closed door. Good times, hard times, somewhere in-between times. Life will happen, and He will be right there walking with me through it.
But physically, I'll be in Peru. For approximately 2.5 months. Hooray!
I've been praying and praying and praying for guidance in this whole shindiddly. And honestly, before finding out about Peru was SO excited about the possibility of going there and wondering if that's the door God was going to open. Like an anxious school girl who's excited to be in class with her crush and stares at him until he looks at her and then she quickly looks away... but then coyly (creepily) turns her gaze back to see if he's still looking. Or... me in 7th grade. That's a different story.
But you know what I mean? Antsy. Excited. Waiting anxiously to see if this could really happen.
And it is! As soon as I found out, I was in shock. Still kind of am in a state of shock. As the details unfold, it's becoming more real. And yet even in the midst of this amazing opportunity, fear and doubts and questions are sneaking in. Really, I'm pretty fed up with doubting God these days. I prayed, "God... I can't stand all of this doubt and fear anymore. It's like I'm not really living when I'm not trusting You." Yet when and as I trust Him, He fills me with all joy and peace in Him (Romans 15:13). Literally, it's the sweetest thing.
He said something sweet to me today. Not an affirmation with big, bright flashing lights saying "Lauren, you're on the right path! Congratulations for selecting correctly!" No, no, no. It was far more subtle than that. Spoken gently, quietly, and saying something else entirely. I was reading Galatians 2, and in Galatians 2:19-20 it says:
19 “For through the law I died to the law so that I might live for God. 20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. "
I felt a tug to pause and meditate on these verses. And then came "Live by Me." "Yes, Daddy," I returned, and after a moment of praise, began to write these two verses down in my journal. After writing them, I saw that He had spoken directly from His word (check out the bold above). Amazing.
Yet still I prayed, "Okay, but am I on the right path??" No answer. Yet SO much affirmation and excitement when praising Him for who He is. A loving Father, not a trickster judge/dictator. So He shows something to me - everything in this life will come and go, but only He remains the same.
So if I go to Peru or Serbia, or love or hate a job, or lose or make a friend, or stub my toe or burn my toast or have a good hug, it all will begin and have an end. It will all come to pass, and I won't think of it every day for the rest of the days of my life. But what, or Who, I will think about is our loving Father in heaven, who gave His one and only Son for me. And you.
So leaping into the giant invisible net of Peru is a whole lot more like leaping into His hands. And asking and growing and being with Him. In 3 months, I plan to come back to the States, and who knows what will happen then? Another job, opportunity, open door, closed door. Good times, hard times, somewhere in-between times. Life will happen, and He will be right there walking with me through it.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Multiple Choice Tests
If there's something I've learned from 16 or so years of schooling, it's this: I'm not good at taking multiple-choice tests. The only exception would be in math because there's pretty much always a certain answer there. If I ever encountered the following instructions, however, it would induce daymares:
"Choose the BEST possible answer."
I dread these words to the point where I my throat still clenches as a physiological reaction. These words were the detriment to many a grade in school, worst of all being when I took Christian Theology in college. I remember my professor telling us at the beginning of the semester, "My tests are all multiple-choice and short answer. I'll have you know that the multiple choice segment often comes with two good answers out of three, but you must select the best one." Knowing this information and knowing that I would not succeed in said environment, it's beyond me why I didn't opt to take that class pass/fail.
Give me anything else - short answer, fill in the blank, matching, true/false, maps, essays, math/logic equations, even speeches or presentations.
I doubt so many people deal with multiple choice test insecurities like I do. Others can confidently and easily select the correct answer without question. So what goes on in my brain that impairs me from selecting an answer? Well.. here's a picture of my mental process of a question:
"Well... C's definitely out. So now it's between A and B. Or maybe it's D, which is both A and B. Well A could be right in this situation, but B would be right in this situation. So they could both be right depending on the situation. So maybe it's D? Or maybe it's not, because what if the professor is referring to a specific situation. Whoever wrote this question really should be more clear. I mean, professors think they're being totally objective, but this question is definitely subjective and depends entirely on the situation..."
By this point, I probably just play finger roulette and let that be the decision. I have a headache just thinking about it. The thing about my insecurity with making decisions in something as simple as a multiple-choice test is that I see this same insecurity in other areas of my life - aka making real. life. decisions. (gasp)
I have a tendency to think that God is giving me a multiple-choice test and I have to select the right answer. For example, recently God has opened several doors for me to walk through... and I've been dragging my feet on making any decisions. So here's how I've been seeing it:
A) Spend the summer in Serbia serving in Youth Ministry with YFC
B) Spend the summer in Peru traveling between different mission sites, translating Spanish to English and vice versa for incoming mission trip groups
C) Travel to Costa Rica for three weeks in July to serve in Children's ministry
D) Accept a position as an International Trade Show Coordinator at a great company
E) both C and D (the position may allow for me to go on the trip... eep!)
So... I spent the last two months trying to guess which option God wants me to take. I thought it might be Serbia because He seemed to be paving the way there. I wasn't really excited about it, but was trying to get myself excited about it because it was a) start-up ministry b) youth ministry, and c) in Europe. Buuuuttt that failed. It secretly stressed me out that the Lord would want to send me there and I didn't really have a desire to go. Where I do desire to serve and go is a Spanish-speaking country. Playing soccer with and loving zee childrens. Taking pictures of zee natures. Learning Spanish. Having an adventure. Growing closer to Christ in it all. Yet I still tried to work up the desire for Serbia and was set on going there. Until I got an e-mail last Friday saying that I was not accepted to that program. Whoadang.
Yet I was okay hearing this... and pretty excited. Since I thought Serbia was the path the Lord was leading me on, and I thought I had correctly guessed the answer to His multiple choice question, I thought I was pleasing Him! I. thought. wrong. And Him closing this door opened my mind to approach Him with what's honestly on my heart.
"hey God.. so, where do we go from here? I want to make a decision and stop dragging my feet. The fact that you closed this door makes me think that You actually put desires on my heart for a reason and open doors because You want me to leap in faith, trusting You. And if all the doors close, that'll be okay, too, because You will always be here. Right here with me."
I think He's teaching me to just make a decision. No direct calling, really. No wrong answer. Just making a decision with all that entails - practical things (in faith), skills set, desires and passion, timing, wisdom (which I ask you for in mercy, Lord), and above all just fixing my eyes on Him! He is good. He will provide. He will come through.
I do desire an adventure right now. To love, explore, give, discover... I'm already accepted to Costa Rica and waiting to find out about Peru. Even as I've been dragging my feet, Your timing is perfect. You are amazing. Thank you so much for these opportunities, Lord, and Your love shown through and above it all. God, that I may know You first and may walk in faith because of Who I trust in.
"Choose the BEST possible answer."
I dread these words to the point where I my throat still clenches as a physiological reaction. These words were the detriment to many a grade in school, worst of all being when I took Christian Theology in college. I remember my professor telling us at the beginning of the semester, "My tests are all multiple-choice and short answer. I'll have you know that the multiple choice segment often comes with two good answers out of three, but you must select the best one." Knowing this information and knowing that I would not succeed in said environment, it's beyond me why I didn't opt to take that class pass/fail.
Give me anything else - short answer, fill in the blank, matching, true/false, maps, essays, math/logic equations, even speeches or presentations.
I doubt so many people deal with multiple choice test insecurities like I do. Others can confidently and easily select the correct answer without question. So what goes on in my brain that impairs me from selecting an answer? Well.. here's a picture of my mental process of a question:
"Well... C's definitely out. So now it's between A and B. Or maybe it's D, which is both A and B. Well A could be right in this situation, but B would be right in this situation. So they could both be right depending on the situation. So maybe it's D? Or maybe it's not, because what if the professor is referring to a specific situation. Whoever wrote this question really should be more clear. I mean, professors think they're being totally objective, but this question is definitely subjective and depends entirely on the situation..."
By this point, I probably just play finger roulette and let that be the decision. I have a headache just thinking about it. The thing about my insecurity with making decisions in something as simple as a multiple-choice test is that I see this same insecurity in other areas of my life - aka making real. life. decisions. (gasp)
I have a tendency to think that God is giving me a multiple-choice test and I have to select the right answer. For example, recently God has opened several doors for me to walk through... and I've been dragging my feet on making any decisions. So here's how I've been seeing it:
A) Spend the summer in Serbia serving in Youth Ministry with YFC
B) Spend the summer in Peru traveling between different mission sites, translating Spanish to English and vice versa for incoming mission trip groups
C) Travel to Costa Rica for three weeks in July to serve in Children's ministry
D) Accept a position as an International Trade Show Coordinator at a great company
E) both C and D (the position may allow for me to go on the trip... eep!)
So... I spent the last two months trying to guess which option God wants me to take. I thought it might be Serbia because He seemed to be paving the way there. I wasn't really excited about it, but was trying to get myself excited about it because it was a) start-up ministry b) youth ministry, and c) in Europe. Buuuuttt that failed. It secretly stressed me out that the Lord would want to send me there and I didn't really have a desire to go. Where I do desire to serve and go is a Spanish-speaking country. Playing soccer with and loving zee childrens. Taking pictures of zee natures. Learning Spanish. Having an adventure. Growing closer to Christ in it all. Yet I still tried to work up the desire for Serbia and was set on going there. Until I got an e-mail last Friday saying that I was not accepted to that program. Whoadang.
Yet I was okay hearing this... and pretty excited. Since I thought Serbia was the path the Lord was leading me on, and I thought I had correctly guessed the answer to His multiple choice question, I thought I was pleasing Him! I. thought. wrong. And Him closing this door opened my mind to approach Him with what's honestly on my heart.
"hey God.. so, where do we go from here? I want to make a decision and stop dragging my feet. The fact that you closed this door makes me think that You actually put desires on my heart for a reason and open doors because You want me to leap in faith, trusting You. And if all the doors close, that'll be okay, too, because You will always be here. Right here with me."
I think He's teaching me to just make a decision. No direct calling, really. No wrong answer. Just making a decision with all that entails - practical things (in faith), skills set, desires and passion, timing, wisdom (which I ask you for in mercy, Lord), and above all just fixing my eyes on Him! He is good. He will provide. He will come through.
I do desire an adventure right now. To love, explore, give, discover... I'm already accepted to Costa Rica and waiting to find out about Peru. Even as I've been dragging my feet, Your timing is perfect. You are amazing. Thank you so much for these opportunities, Lord, and Your love shown through and above it all. God, that I may know You first and may walk in faith because of Who I trust in.
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Monday, March 21, 2011
The Faith Equation
If I could describe what I've been learning over the past two semesters of my life (assuming each year of post-college life is divided into thirds), I'd sum it up in one word: Trust.
While reading the background information for Romans in my study bible, I stumbled across this little definition: faith = complete trust. Biblical literary equation. I like it.
Faith = complete trust. Huh. I'm starting to see that my life is really shaped by what I trust in, aka what I really have faith in. I listened to a Tim Keller sermon recently where he was pointing out the necessity and existence of religion and faith in the world. He said it is something central to the way we live, addressing the idea that all of our actions and perspectives, even if someone is an atheist, are centered around some set of beliefs and faith.
I have a tendency to put more trust in what I can see over Him who is invisible yet always there. To trust in things of the world over my God who created everything. I've been wanting to let go and trust Him on the conscious level while still subconsciously clinging to control of things in my life. Control that I... don't actually have.
I think of it like a sponge sitting at the edge of an ocean. The ocean is big, beautiful, and filled with so much more complexity than the sponge will ever know or understand. Now, for that sponge to only try and soak up a little bit of the ocean in one of its corners? A) defeats the purpose of the sponge altogether, seeing as how it's designed to soak up much more water than just a corner and B) seems almost ludicrous. At best, you could use it to rub a stain out of a shirt or clean some spilled salsa off the counter.
A couple of weekends ago, I was a sponge sitting on the edge of crystal clear, aquamarine waters in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. So. stinking. beautiful. All I wanted to do was run splashing into it. So I subtly (or maybe not so) suaded my sister until she agreed to go ocean kayaking with me (hooray!). Yet, fear overcame me. "There are sharks out there... What if they think I'm a dolphin in my kayak and come and tear me to pieces?" A silly thought, really, seeing as how ocean kayakers go out there almost every day and shark attacks happen maybe twice a year in the states. Also, it was 2 p.m., and shark feeding time is at dusk (common knowledge). Even the owner of the Aloha ocean sports shack where we rented the kayaks said he felt comfortable sending his four year old son out there on a "weenie" boat.
So, I'm staring out at this gorgeous waterfront, sitting safely in a reclining beach chair (rough life, I know), and realized a connection between deciding to go kayaking and my life - God's calling me out into the adventurous, beautiful, mysterious, unknown waters to trust Him, to have great faith in Him, and I'm clinging to the sandy, predictable shores exclaiming, "No!"Like the sponge on the edge of the ocean, it's silly to just sit here.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)
This truth keeps coming to mind these days. I'll wake up with it echoing in my mind. This is where You have me, Lord - letting go of everything I think I know or understand to trust in You first. To seek You above all else. To love You and believe in Your great and amazing love for me. To let go and trust You above volatile feelings or worries. To believe that I am truly beloved of the King.
It's time to dive in. To 1 John 1:7 this joint. Okay, here goes something great.
While reading the background information for Romans in my study bible, I stumbled across this little definition: faith = complete trust. Biblical literary equation. I like it.
Faith = complete trust. Huh. I'm starting to see that my life is really shaped by what I trust in, aka what I really have faith in. I listened to a Tim Keller sermon recently where he was pointing out the necessity and existence of religion and faith in the world. He said it is something central to the way we live, addressing the idea that all of our actions and perspectives, even if someone is an atheist, are centered around some set of beliefs and faith.
I have a tendency to put more trust in what I can see over Him who is invisible yet always there. To trust in things of the world over my God who created everything. I've been wanting to let go and trust Him on the conscious level while still subconsciously clinging to control of things in my life. Control that I... don't actually have.
I think of it like a sponge sitting at the edge of an ocean. The ocean is big, beautiful, and filled with so much more complexity than the sponge will ever know or understand. Now, for that sponge to only try and soak up a little bit of the ocean in one of its corners? A) defeats the purpose of the sponge altogether, seeing as how it's designed to soak up much more water than just a corner and B) seems almost ludicrous. At best, you could use it to rub a stain out of a shirt or clean some spilled salsa off the counter.
A couple of weekends ago, I was a sponge sitting on the edge of crystal clear, aquamarine waters in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. So. stinking. beautiful. All I wanted to do was run splashing into it. So I subtly (or maybe not so) suaded my sister until she agreed to go ocean kayaking with me (hooray!). Yet, fear overcame me. "There are sharks out there... What if they think I'm a dolphin in my kayak and come and tear me to pieces?" A silly thought, really, seeing as how ocean kayakers go out there almost every day and shark attacks happen maybe twice a year in the states. Also, it was 2 p.m., and shark feeding time is at dusk (common knowledge). Even the owner of the Aloha ocean sports shack where we rented the kayaks said he felt comfortable sending his four year old son out there on a "weenie" boat.
So, I'm staring out at this gorgeous waterfront, sitting safely in a reclining beach chair (rough life, I know), and realized a connection between deciding to go kayaking and my life - God's calling me out into the adventurous, beautiful, mysterious, unknown waters to trust Him, to have great faith in Him, and I'm clinging to the sandy, predictable shores exclaiming, "No!"Like the sponge on the edge of the ocean, it's silly to just sit here.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)
This truth keeps coming to mind these days. I'll wake up with it echoing in my mind. This is where You have me, Lord - letting go of everything I think I know or understand to trust in You first. To seek You above all else. To love You and believe in Your great and amazing love for me. To let go and trust You above volatile feelings or worries. To believe that I am truly beloved of the King.
It's time to dive in. To 1 John 1:7 this joint. Okay, here goes something great.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
tantrums, cheese, and other factors
Yeah... I know. Sounds like I'm leading into a common denominator, yet the connection between tantrums and cheese is a little bit... well elusive, really. Unless, of course, you see some lady at the grocery store quickly snag the last wheel of gouda out of your almost-going-to-grasp-it/in-my-line-of-sight target zone, and you end up tight-chested, teeth-clenched, and gripping the shopping cart as you take a sharp turn to steer toward lesser cheeses...
Au contraire, mon amis - this one's about self-discipline.
It's a thought that's been coming up a lot recently. In interactions with others. In the way I love and respect myself, body, time, life, the Lord, others... everything. There's something at the core of me that wants to resist and rebel against anything possibly good for me. A sort of inner anti self-discipline resistance. I just feel like I constantly have to fight it. Luckily not alone, but it's a fight indeed. A humble, exposed, and honest fight.
I see this fight in others, too. The other night, my Mom and I were riding back from the Cheesecake Factory together. She was voicing her frustrations over some of her friends, pondering why they weren't able to discipline themselves in their diets and workout regimens. See, my Mom is passionate about nutrition. She doesn't have a degree in it or anything, but she might as well. She's read countless books about different diets, biological processes, effects of food, etc. I'm pretty certain if you step within a five foot radius of her kitchen and stick around for a while, you'll hear something about nutrition eventually.
Back to our drive the other night, she talked about her friends, family, and her relationship, naming all kinds of symptoms of lack of self-discipline. Here are some examples:
Someone...
1. Wanting to change their unhealthy habits, but not carrying it out in the long term
2. Wanting to act (eat, exercise, be) more healthily, but then binging on the unhealthy (ice cream/cookies etc)
3. Wanting a change of appearance - inside and out, but not being willing to empty out their pantry of all that's bad for them
4. Wanting the excellent end-benefits, but not taking steps to get there in the present time
5. Seeing the end-goal/change as something unattainable, and sticking to the comfort of current ways, no matter how they may impair or affect the long-term turnout
Interesting. As I fight for self-discipline, I definitely see these patterns in myself. I asked my mom questions to dig to the core of her own issue with others' lack of self-discipline. She said she's tried and tried to help people, but they never want to help themselves. There's a part of me that wonders if she's projecting - tacking on expectations like "if I can do it, they can, too." I addressed her phenomenal ability to motivate herself and work to the bone, and noted that "a lot of people don't have that ability, myself included. I need accountability when it comes to changing habits. I need someone there to keep track of me, help discipline me. I need a different kind of motivation than just myself." Still figuring out what that is exactly. Hence this post.
She said that the good benefits should be motivation enough. She's right, but it seems people don't operate that way. I don't think I operate that way. There's a disconnect between the unhealthy and the good. People often seem to be missing the path between the two. I often don't connect the path between to the two. It's like we see it in front of us, but opt for a different way - walking in circles, climbing broken ladders, fill in any analogy here ______. It's like we intentionally avoid what's good for us. Like we're running from the healthy.
Why?
I've mentioned before that I'm a math freak, but I'm a grammatical freak as well (although I abuse it freely in these posts). If you look back at the second clause in each of the five points, these statements are based on the will of action of the actor. More simply put, we choose. We choose to act. We have active wills, and we actively choose to act on different options. A lot of times we won't change because we believe it is out of their control. We're operating in a world where we want control over our circumstances, but feign control when it comes to being personally responsible for our actions.
While in this scenario, we're talking about food and diets, I find it's all reflective of self-discipline in life in general. Especially in my walk with the Lord.
My Mom was saying how her one friend wanted to lose weight, so my Mom offered to come clean out her pantry. She responded "Oh no no no, I'm not ready for that yet."
I immediately thought of Christ. Is this the path humankind is missing? Is this something I'm missing? When I keep old, dirty, unhealthy stuff in my pantry, and refuse to let Jesus come and clean it out. Is it hidden back there in the depths of me? Packed away and ignored, assuming that as long as it doesn't surface, it won't harm me? Something I'm holding onto, this sinful nature, that's keeping me from the fully abundant and vivacious, "healthy" life in Christ? Do I even recognize what I'm holding onto?
That's what I identify the resistance as. The junk in my pantry. The tantrums and cheeses. Sin. The part of me that resists when my Mom tells me to do something, and I don't want to do it. Just because she told me to. I asked her to offer it up as an option, and then I would go about it willingly. She didn't understand.
Sometimes I do this with God - think that His intentions are to pull my strings like a marionette. Yet my own perspective towards Him can be that of a Blessings-giving machine. But that just ain't right. And that just ain't fulfillin'. And this tainted perspective of a relationship just isn't what I'm looking for nor intended for to satisfy this burning desire for the healthy - the first half of those five points - a fulfilling, God-others-and-self loving way of life. This perspective I have isn't walking me down that connecting path.
I feel like the Lord has been breaking me of this perspective for the past year or so. Opening my eyes to see who He truly is - faithful, loving, abundant, peaceful, kind, gentle, compassionate, giving, hopeful, all-powerful, gracious, selfless, God.
I'm at a cross-point of conviction - in need of a mental pantry sweeping. God is so much simpler and so much grander than I make him out to be. I'm praying for that revival - to abandon myself to full faith, hope, and love and soar on the wings of freedom. To stop worrying, hating, criticizing, and keeping up with self-and-others destructive behavior. To not get caught up in tantrums over small things. To willfully avert my tastes from the cheeses and chocolates toward the fruit and salads (seeing as how i'm lactose intolerant. and potentially anti-glutenous as well). To know and believe that self-discipline is a good and loving thing. That God is a good and abundantly loving God.
It's like I said earlier: this is a straight up battle - a fight against all that was and a coming into all that really is. Maybe this is a topic for a later time, but I'm being struck with the beauty of reality recently - not on what isn't yet or what could be, but on what's right in front of me. How my actions, faith, perspective, walk, and circumstances matter today. How I have to take the bottom steps before I can get to the top ones. One day at a time. Living and trusting God in the present time, for the future time.. for all time? I'm thinkin yeah.
And this great love will bring about the discipline. Without the nasty or fear-and-rebellion-inducing connotations generally attached to the word.
This post is a bit ironic in point right now seeing as how I'm using it to procrastinate on things that I should go do right now that will be good for me.
Alright, off I go. Chip chip cheerio and all that sort!
Au contraire, mon amis - this one's about self-discipline.
It's a thought that's been coming up a lot recently. In interactions with others. In the way I love and respect myself, body, time, life, the Lord, others... everything. There's something at the core of me that wants to resist and rebel against anything possibly good for me. A sort of inner anti self-discipline resistance. I just feel like I constantly have to fight it. Luckily not alone, but it's a fight indeed. A humble, exposed, and honest fight.
I see this fight in others, too. The other night, my Mom and I were riding back from the Cheesecake Factory together. She was voicing her frustrations over some of her friends, pondering why they weren't able to discipline themselves in their diets and workout regimens. See, my Mom is passionate about nutrition. She doesn't have a degree in it or anything, but she might as well. She's read countless books about different diets, biological processes, effects of food, etc. I'm pretty certain if you step within a five foot radius of her kitchen and stick around for a while, you'll hear something about nutrition eventually.
Back to our drive the other night, she talked about her friends, family, and her relationship, naming all kinds of symptoms of lack of self-discipline. Here are some examples:
Someone...
1. Wanting to change their unhealthy habits, but not carrying it out in the long term
2. Wanting to act (eat, exercise, be) more healthily, but then binging on the unhealthy (ice cream/cookies etc)
3. Wanting a change of appearance - inside and out, but not being willing to empty out their pantry of all that's bad for them
4. Wanting the excellent end-benefits, but not taking steps to get there in the present time
5. Seeing the end-goal/change as something unattainable, and sticking to the comfort of current ways, no matter how they may impair or affect the long-term turnout
Interesting. As I fight for self-discipline, I definitely see these patterns in myself. I asked my mom questions to dig to the core of her own issue with others' lack of self-discipline. She said she's tried and tried to help people, but they never want to help themselves. There's a part of me that wonders if she's projecting - tacking on expectations like "if I can do it, they can, too." I addressed her phenomenal ability to motivate herself and work to the bone, and noted that "a lot of people don't have that ability, myself included. I need accountability when it comes to changing habits. I need someone there to keep track of me, help discipline me. I need a different kind of motivation than just myself." Still figuring out what that is exactly. Hence this post.
She said that the good benefits should be motivation enough. She's right, but it seems people don't operate that way. I don't think I operate that way. There's a disconnect between the unhealthy and the good. People often seem to be missing the path between the two. I often don't connect the path between to the two. It's like we see it in front of us, but opt for a different way - walking in circles, climbing broken ladders, fill in any analogy here ______. It's like we intentionally avoid what's good for us. Like we're running from the healthy.
Why?
I've mentioned before that I'm a math freak, but I'm a grammatical freak as well (although I abuse it freely in these posts). If you look back at the second clause in each of the five points, these statements are based on the will of action of the actor. More simply put, we choose. We choose to act. We have active wills, and we actively choose to act on different options. A lot of times we won't change because we believe it is out of their control. We're operating in a world where we want control over our circumstances, but feign control when it comes to being personally responsible for our actions.
While in this scenario, we're talking about food and diets, I find it's all reflective of self-discipline in life in general. Especially in my walk with the Lord.
My Mom was saying how her one friend wanted to lose weight, so my Mom offered to come clean out her pantry. She responded "Oh no no no, I'm not ready for that yet."
I immediately thought of Christ. Is this the path humankind is missing? Is this something I'm missing? When I keep old, dirty, unhealthy stuff in my pantry, and refuse to let Jesus come and clean it out. Is it hidden back there in the depths of me? Packed away and ignored, assuming that as long as it doesn't surface, it won't harm me? Something I'm holding onto, this sinful nature, that's keeping me from the fully abundant and vivacious, "healthy" life in Christ? Do I even recognize what I'm holding onto?
That's what I identify the resistance as. The junk in my pantry. The tantrums and cheeses. Sin. The part of me that resists when my Mom tells me to do something, and I don't want to do it. Just because she told me to. I asked her to offer it up as an option, and then I would go about it willingly. She didn't understand.
Sometimes I do this with God - think that His intentions are to pull my strings like a marionette. Yet my own perspective towards Him can be that of a Blessings-giving machine. But that just ain't right. And that just ain't fulfillin'. And this tainted perspective of a relationship just isn't what I'm looking for nor intended for to satisfy this burning desire for the healthy - the first half of those five points - a fulfilling, God-others-and-self loving way of life. This perspective I have isn't walking me down that connecting path.
I feel like the Lord has been breaking me of this perspective for the past year or so. Opening my eyes to see who He truly is - faithful, loving, abundant, peaceful, kind, gentle, compassionate, giving, hopeful, all-powerful, gracious, selfless, God.
I'm at a cross-point of conviction - in need of a mental pantry sweeping. God is so much simpler and so much grander than I make him out to be. I'm praying for that revival - to abandon myself to full faith, hope, and love and soar on the wings of freedom. To stop worrying, hating, criticizing, and keeping up with self-and-others destructive behavior. To not get caught up in tantrums over small things. To willfully avert my tastes from the cheeses and chocolates toward the fruit and salads (seeing as how i'm lactose intolerant. and potentially anti-glutenous as well). To know and believe that self-discipline is a good and loving thing. That God is a good and abundantly loving God.
It's like I said earlier: this is a straight up battle - a fight against all that was and a coming into all that really is. Maybe this is a topic for a later time, but I'm being struck with the beauty of reality recently - not on what isn't yet or what could be, but on what's right in front of me. How my actions, faith, perspective, walk, and circumstances matter today. How I have to take the bottom steps before I can get to the top ones. One day at a time. Living and trusting God in the present time, for the future time.. for all time? I'm thinkin yeah.
And this great love will bring about the discipline. Without the nasty or fear-and-rebellion-inducing connotations generally attached to the word.
This post is a bit ironic in point right now seeing as how I'm using it to procrastinate on things that I should go do right now that will be good for me.
Alright, off I go. Chip chip cheerio and all that sort!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
R-E-S-P-E-C-T... findin' out what it means to me
If I were asked the question "Would you rather be always loved but never respected, or always respected but never loved for the rest of your life?" I would probably side with the first option - always loved but never respected. It's more of a complicated trick question than anything, too, seeing as how love and respect, as I'm learning, are so deeply interrelated.
I think this question resonates with anyone because it comes from something deeply written inside of us - whether it is from our souls or just our hormone levels. In any way, it definitely goes back to the Bible - Men, love your wives. Wives, respect your husbands. Huh, so that's why romantic comedies do so well in our movie industry - it's all about women getting the love we desire (or men on the pursuit, which is why some of you guys - admit it - like some of the romantic comedies. i.e. roles like Colin Firth's in Love Actually). Ultimately, the point I'm getting to is that each gender gets some kind of incredible adrenaline high fulfillment, and hopefully, rather, a consistent satisfaction in life from being loved and/or respected.
I fail at this. At both, really. Love and respect. Given the title of this post though, let's tackle the latter.
Of recent, I definitely have not been giving my boss the respect he deserves as a child of Christ nor as he probably desires. Here's the problem I've witnessed with that. I like math, so let's break this down to simple idealogic variables:
a: Boss frustrates Lauren with criticism --> Lauren gets upset/feels disrespected
b: Lauren gets upset/feels disrespected --> Lauren does not respect Boss
c: Lauren does not respect Boss --> Boss does not receive desired respect
----- CONCLUSION
Boss frustrates Lauren with criticism --> Boss does not receive desired respect
Oh yeah, and therefore:
Boss does not receive desired respect --> Boss continues to frustrate Lauren with criticism
Forgive me, I loved Logic in college. And this is, well, a pretty logical and straightforward display of a realistic situation. The trouble with this is it becomes this ineffective and self-and-others-deprecating cycle. Not healthy. Not fun. Not a pretty environment to work in, to say the least.
Being that my boss is 67, stubborn, and pretty well-set in his ways, I figured I'm probably the one who needs to take action. This realization came probably more from conviction the Lord has been putting on my heart. I was reading in Hebrews 13 today, and it talked about respecting your authority figures. D-dang. Could I have been called out any more? Probs not. It went on to say how that respecting your authority figures would better benefit you (me) in the end. Oh wow... well yeah. That would make sense, wouldn't it?
Following my conversation with Julie from the previous post (Great Expectations), this has been no easy task. But I've been trying to accomplish it on my own... so today, I prayed. I asked my Lord for His love to Love others with. And out of the overflow of love comes, amazingly, respect. Huh.
So I came into work all bubbly and smiley today, which is a little odd considering it's a rainy day and usually I match the weather on these days - quiet, calm, and gray... with the exception of today's display of light humor and white, shiny teeth.
Actual conversation:
Boss: How are you? (somewhat gloomily)
Lauren: (smiling) I'm great, thanks! How are you?
Boss: Oh wow, really? (tone of surprise) Huh... I'm good, thanks. .... Really, you're great on this rainy day?
Lauren: yeah!
Boss: Oh... just didn't see it coming, you're so bubbly.
Bahahaha. I fully believe in my Lord and his Spirit of love and respect changing this office around. That by loving and respecting each other, we may actually be able to get through to each other better in our communication and daily actions/interactions.
Sweet sauce. Just a thought I've been having recently. If there's someone you've been disrespecting or disloving (not a word? I make them up sometimes), I encourage you to ask the Lord for His love to love them with and watch the atmosphere go from gloomy to bright and lovely! Even on a rainy day.
Tight.
I think this question resonates with anyone because it comes from something deeply written inside of us - whether it is from our souls or just our hormone levels. In any way, it definitely goes back to the Bible - Men, love your wives. Wives, respect your husbands. Huh, so that's why romantic comedies do so well in our movie industry - it's all about women getting the love we desire (or men on the pursuit, which is why some of you guys - admit it - like some of the romantic comedies. i.e. roles like Colin Firth's in Love Actually). Ultimately, the point I'm getting to is that each gender gets some kind of incredible adrenaline high fulfillment, and hopefully, rather, a consistent satisfaction in life from being loved and/or respected.
I fail at this. At both, really. Love and respect. Given the title of this post though, let's tackle the latter.
Of recent, I definitely have not been giving my boss the respect he deserves as a child of Christ nor as he probably desires. Here's the problem I've witnessed with that. I like math, so let's break this down to simple idealogic variables:
a: Boss frustrates Lauren with criticism --> Lauren gets upset/feels disrespected
b: Lauren gets upset/feels disrespected --> Lauren does not respect Boss
c: Lauren does not respect Boss --> Boss does not receive desired respect
----- CONCLUSION
Boss frustrates Lauren with criticism --> Boss does not receive desired respect
Oh yeah, and therefore:
Boss does not receive desired respect --> Boss continues to frustrate Lauren with criticism
Forgive me, I loved Logic in college. And this is, well, a pretty logical and straightforward display of a realistic situation. The trouble with this is it becomes this ineffective and self-and-others-deprecating cycle. Not healthy. Not fun. Not a pretty environment to work in, to say the least.
Being that my boss is 67, stubborn, and pretty well-set in his ways, I figured I'm probably the one who needs to take action. This realization came probably more from conviction the Lord has been putting on my heart. I was reading in Hebrews 13 today, and it talked about respecting your authority figures. D-dang. Could I have been called out any more? Probs not. It went on to say how that respecting your authority figures would better benefit you (me) in the end. Oh wow... well yeah. That would make sense, wouldn't it?
Following my conversation with Julie from the previous post (Great Expectations), this has been no easy task. But I've been trying to accomplish it on my own... so today, I prayed. I asked my Lord for His love to Love others with. And out of the overflow of love comes, amazingly, respect. Huh.
So I came into work all bubbly and smiley today, which is a little odd considering it's a rainy day and usually I match the weather on these days - quiet, calm, and gray... with the exception of today's display of light humor and white, shiny teeth.
Actual conversation:
Boss: How are you? (somewhat gloomily)
Lauren: (smiling) I'm great, thanks! How are you?
Boss: Oh wow, really? (tone of surprise) Huh... I'm good, thanks. .... Really, you're great on this rainy day?
Lauren: yeah!
Boss: Oh... just didn't see it coming, you're so bubbly.
Bahahaha. I fully believe in my Lord and his Spirit of love and respect changing this office around. That by loving and respecting each other, we may actually be able to get through to each other better in our communication and daily actions/interactions.
Sweet sauce. Just a thought I've been having recently. If there's someone you've been disrespecting or disloving (not a word? I make them up sometimes), I encourage you to ask the Lord for His love to love them with and watch the atmosphere go from gloomy to bright and lovely! Even on a rainy day.
Tight.
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