"Choose the BEST possible answer."
I dread these words to the point where I my throat still clenches as a physiological reaction. These words were the detriment to many a grade in school, worst of all being when I took Christian Theology in college. I remember my professor telling us at the beginning of the semester, "My tests are all multiple-choice and short answer. I'll have you know that the multiple choice segment often comes with two good answers out of three, but you must select the best one." Knowing this information and knowing that I would not succeed in said environment, it's beyond me why I didn't opt to take that class pass/fail.
Give me anything else - short answer, fill in the blank, matching, true/false, maps, essays, math/logic equations, even speeches or presentations.
I doubt so many people deal with multiple choice test insecurities like I do. Others can confidently and easily select the correct answer without question. So what goes on in my brain that impairs me from selecting an answer? Well.. here's a picture of my mental process of a question:
"Well... C's definitely out. So now it's between A and B. Or maybe it's D, which is both A and B. Well A could be right in this situation, but B would be right in this situation. So they could both be right depending on the situation. So maybe it's D? Or maybe it's not, because what if the professor is referring to a specific situation. Whoever wrote this question really should be more clear. I mean, professors think they're being totally objective, but this question is definitely subjective and depends entirely on the situation..."
By this point, I probably just play finger roulette and let that be the decision. I have a headache just thinking about it. The thing about my insecurity with making decisions in something as simple as a multiple-choice test is that I see this same insecurity in other areas of my life - aka making real. life. decisions. (gasp)
I have a tendency to think that God is giving me a multiple-choice test and I have to select the right answer. For example, recently God has opened several doors for me to walk through... and I've been dragging my feet on making any decisions. So here's how I've been seeing it:
A) Spend the summer in Serbia serving in Youth Ministry with YFC
B) Spend the summer in Peru traveling between different mission sites, translating Spanish to English and vice versa for incoming mission trip groups
C) Travel to Costa Rica for three weeks in July to serve in Children's ministry
D) Accept a position as an International Trade Show Coordinator at a great company
E) both C and D (the position may allow for me to go on the trip... eep!)
So... I spent the last two months trying to guess which option God wants me to take. I thought it might be Serbia because He seemed to be paving the way there. I wasn't really excited about it, but was trying to get myself excited about it because it was a) start-up ministry b) youth ministry, and c) in Europe. Buuuuttt that failed. It secretly stressed me out that the Lord would want to send me there and I didn't really have a desire to go. Where I do desire to serve and go is a Spanish-speaking country. Playing soccer with and loving zee childrens. Taking pictures of zee natures. Learning Spanish. Having an adventure. Growing closer to Christ in it all. Yet I still tried to work up the desire for Serbia and was set on going there. Until I got an e-mail last Friday saying that I was not accepted to that program. Whoadang.
Yet I was okay hearing this... and pretty excited. Since I thought Serbia was the path the Lord was leading me on, and I thought I had correctly guessed the answer to His multiple choice question, I thought I was pleasing Him! I. thought. wrong. And Him closing this door opened my mind to approach Him with what's honestly on my heart.
"hey God.. so, where do we go from here? I want to make a decision and stop dragging my feet. The fact that you closed this door makes me think that You actually put desires on my heart for a reason and open doors because You want me to leap in faith, trusting You. And if all the doors close, that'll be okay, too, because You will always be here. Right here with me."
I think He's teaching me to just make a decision. No direct calling, really. No wrong answer. Just making a decision with all that entails - practical things (in faith), skills set, desires and passion, timing, wisdom (which I ask you for in mercy, Lord), and above all just fixing my eyes on Him! He is good. He will provide. He will come through.
I do desire an adventure right now. To love, explore, give, discover... I'm already accepted to Costa Rica and waiting to find out about Peru. Even as I've been dragging my feet, Your timing is perfect. You are amazing. Thank you so much for these opportunities, Lord, and Your love shown through and above it all. God, that I may know You first and may walk in faith because of Who I trust in.
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