march 29, 2010

it's not a matter of being well-versed in idealogies of you, but of being wrapped up in your arms, so close to You

ozzy on faith

"Faith, however, is not intellectual understanding; faith is a deliberate commitment to the Person of Jesus Christ, even when I can't see the way ahead." - Oswald Chambers

Matthew 14:29 - "Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.

west virginia

today, we went to west virginia to pick up miles' car. it was denn, miles, and me.

on the way back, denn asked me how i was doing... i couldn't really answer so i asked him about what's goin on his life. after a while, i answered his question. i was overwhelmed - i have so much trouble expressing myself. i can somewhat explain what i'm feeling, but it takes a little while to get to why it is i'm feeling that way.

i told him that i think i have three levels.

surface level - conversation, humor, acquaintances

deep level - what seems like i'm going deep with others

deepest level - what i don't even understand sometimes. the level i need to discuss out loud to organize my thoughts and try to decipher them

at my deepest level, i've been feeling confused... like i don't understand my relationship with God - wondering if I really know Jesus, if I'm really following Him.

Denn told me that because I'm still seeking and pursuing Him, I'm following Him. There's often a disconnect between what I'm learning and how I live it out. Jesus works in my life, He reveals things to me - but I'm not trusting in Him. I need to live and act out in faith, not in fear. In hope, not in worry. In joy, not in negativity.

Here we gooo...

pride

i think it's pride that keeps me from

living an adventure

from really trusting Jesus with everything

having the faith I'm looking for

from living a life full of joy, peace, passion, kindness, faith, love

not anger, bitterness, dryness, blandness, and fatigue

from believing fully, without doubt in Your abilities nor Your will

making decisions

from living the life i'm meant to live by Your will, not by mine

break me of my pride, Lord. please grasp it from my fingertips, the way you gently do, that I may know You more. that I may live in adventure. that You find me useful and show me Your love when I'm not 'getting it,' or understanding You.

life (right now) in 2010

i realized it tonight...

I've been set free from some things recently. Example:

Dave. Laura and I had lunch last week, I told her what I've written about before - that I thought I had been told that Dave would be my husband. Problems with this: I was stressed out beyond all human reason! Couldn't deal with the jealousy, disrespect, fact that I felt like we don't click at all, confusion - did I really hear it? did I imagine it?, and breaking down every day a couple weeks ago over all of this.

She tells me, "I don't think he's it. I don't think he's the one. I mean, I can't tell you what you heard; but I don't think he is." It was like the BIGGEST RELIEF OF MY LIFE. How I didn't realize that before, I don't know. Maybe I wasn't hearing correctly. I was praying that he wasn't the one and that God would free me from it, cause I couldn't take the pain anymore. and lo, He did! I got home and literally celebrated. I was so happy and so full of joy to be FREE!

I don't really know why I thought He told me that, if He actually did, or what the greater reason behind all this was. Maybe it was because I believed that someone was already picked out for me, so I wouldn't go off and wonder if every guy was going to be my future husband - that I could love my guy friends just as brothers in Christ, and nothing more (which I have learned - so cool). Who knows? But I couldn't stand the thought of all the messiness behind our friendship, past, etc (not really happening, but emotionally messy on my side of things) leading to a Godly relationship. It broke me down to tears because in that kind of relationship, I want romance, love, respect, a guy who will value me, one that I will become one with. Beautiful.

Second thing - I got a job today. Weird, surprising, fast (the interview/application was today, too), almost too good to be true. I'm going to do a little more research/see if I can shadow them for a day. But if it's all real, then wow. I've been praying about this for a while. Even this morning. No doors were opening, and suddenly one opened, and fast.

So, today was a good day. Then, tonight, I got home and couldn't focus on youth retreat plans (in 1.5 days!! gotta nail these down and out!!). Instead, I've been focusing on myself - satisfying temporary needs like hunger, thirst (hot chocolate), and working out to make my body look good - (does that make sense combined with the first two? no. do i have self-discipline? somewhat lacking...). And so I realized, sweet beans. Once I get what I've been asking for or what I want - once a need or long-waited desire is satisfied, do I even believe it? is it still too good to be true? * do I recognize it as God working in my life do i believe that He loves me?

for shame.

i'm so selfish. i still seek temporary satisfaction. i seek You with an agenda. even when the agenda is filled, i'm still not happy. clearly, i'm finding my source of life elsewhere than really, deeply, truly in You. Lord, I need to be satisfied in You and You alone. The other fleeting things - jobs, dating, body shape, beauty - they'll come and go in this life. Or maybe stay as sin tuggers throughout - I pray I'd be sensitive to the tugging of Your Spirit. To always desire to hear You. To fall in love with You and Your heart. Lord, I want to know what it's like to see the world through your eyes - to feel for Your people through Your heart, that You may send me and I will go and love Your children. Will you show me, Lord? Will You reveal Yourself to me? Please, do not hide from me, that I may know You more. That I may fall in love for the very first time with You. Not infatuation, not interest, not intrigue - but madness. Completely, head over heels, frolicking in flowers in green meadows and blue skies, dancing in waterfalls in sparkling sunlight - with You. Jesus, will you be the love of my life?