Yeah... I know. Sounds like I'm leading into a common denominator, yet the connection between tantrums and cheese is a little bit... well elusive, really. Unless, of course, you see some lady at the grocery store quickly snag the last wheel of gouda out of your almost-going-to-grasp-it/in-my-line-of-sight target zone, and you end up tight-chested, teeth-clenched, and gripping the shopping cart as you take a sharp turn to steer toward lesser cheeses...
Au contraire, mon amis - this one's about self-discipline.
It's a thought that's been coming up a lot recently. In interactions with others. In the way I love and respect myself, body, time, life, the Lord, others... everything. There's something at the core of me that wants to resist and rebel against anything possibly good for me. A sort of inner anti self-discipline resistance. I just feel like I constantly have to fight it. Luckily not alone, but it's a fight indeed. A humble, exposed, and honest fight.
I see this fight in others, too. The other night, my Mom and I were riding back from the Cheesecake Factory together. She was voicing her frustrations over some of her friends, pondering why they weren't able to discipline themselves in their diets and workout regimens. See, my Mom is passionate about nutrition. She doesn't have a degree in it or anything, but she might as well. She's read countless books about different diets, biological processes, effects of food, etc. I'm pretty certain if you step within a five foot radius of her kitchen and stick around for a while, you'll hear something about nutrition eventually.
Back to our drive the other night, she talked about her friends, family, and her relationship, naming all kinds of symptoms of lack of self-discipline. Here are some examples:
Someone...
1. Wanting to change their unhealthy habits, but not carrying it out in the long term
2. Wanting to act (eat, exercise, be) more healthily, but then binging on the unhealthy (ice cream/cookies etc)
3. Wanting a change of appearance - inside and out, but not being willing to empty out their pantry of all that's bad for them
4. Wanting the excellent end-benefits, but not taking steps to get there in the present time
5. Seeing the end-goal/change as something unattainable, and sticking to the comfort of current ways, no matter how they may impair or affect the long-term turnout
Interesting. As I fight for self-discipline, I definitely see these patterns in myself. I asked my mom questions to dig to the core of her own issue with others' lack of self-discipline. She said she's tried and tried to help people, but they never want to help themselves. There's a part of me that wonders if she's projecting - tacking on expectations like "if I can do it, they can, too." I addressed her phenomenal ability to motivate herself and work to the bone, and noted that "a lot of people don't have that ability, myself included. I need accountability when it comes to changing habits. I need someone there to keep track of me, help discipline me. I need a different kind of motivation than just myself." Still figuring out what that is exactly. Hence this post.
She said that the good benefits should be motivation enough. She's right, but it seems people don't operate that way. I don't think I operate that way. There's a disconnect between the unhealthy and the good. People often seem to be missing the path between the two. I often don't connect the path between to the two. It's like we see it in front of us, but opt for a different way - walking in circles, climbing broken ladders, fill in any analogy here ______. It's like we intentionally avoid what's good for us. Like we're running from the healthy.
Why?
I've mentioned before that I'm a math freak, but I'm a grammatical freak as well (although I abuse it freely in these posts). If you look back at the second clause in each of the five points, these statements are based on the will of action of the actor. More simply put, we choose. We choose to act. We have active wills, and we actively choose to act on different options. A lot of times we won't change because we believe it is out of their control. We're operating in a world where we want control over our circumstances, but feign control when it comes to being personally responsible for our actions.
While in this scenario, we're talking about food and diets, I find it's all reflective of self-discipline in life in general. Especially in my walk with the Lord.
My Mom was saying how her one friend wanted to lose weight, so my Mom offered to come clean out her pantry. She responded "Oh no no no, I'm not ready for that yet."
I immediately thought of Christ. Is this the path humankind is missing? Is this something I'm missing? When I keep old, dirty, unhealthy stuff in my pantry, and refuse to let Jesus come and clean it out. Is it hidden back there in the depths of me? Packed away and ignored, assuming that as long as it doesn't surface, it won't harm me? Something I'm holding onto, this sinful nature, that's keeping me from the fully abundant and vivacious, "healthy" life in Christ? Do I even recognize what I'm holding onto?
That's what I identify the resistance as. The junk in my pantry. The tantrums and cheeses. Sin. The part of me that resists when my Mom tells me to do something, and I don't want to do it. Just because she told me to. I asked her to offer it up as an option, and then I would go about it willingly. She didn't understand.
Sometimes I do this with God - think that His intentions are to pull my strings like a marionette. Yet my own perspective towards Him can be that of a Blessings-giving machine. But that just ain't right. And that just ain't fulfillin'. And this tainted perspective of a relationship just isn't what I'm looking for nor intended for to satisfy this burning desire for the healthy - the first half of those five points - a fulfilling, God-others-and-self loving way of life. This perspective I have isn't walking me down that connecting path.
I feel like the Lord has been breaking me of this perspective for the past year or so. Opening my eyes to see who He truly is - faithful, loving, abundant, peaceful, kind, gentle, compassionate, giving, hopeful, all-powerful, gracious, selfless, God.
I'm at a cross-point of conviction - in need of a mental pantry sweeping. God is so much simpler and so much grander than I make him out to be. I'm praying for that revival - to abandon myself to full faith, hope, and love and soar on the wings of freedom. To stop worrying, hating, criticizing, and keeping up with self-and-others destructive behavior. To not get caught up in tantrums over small things. To willfully avert my tastes from the cheeses and chocolates toward the fruit and salads (seeing as how i'm lactose intolerant. and potentially anti-glutenous as well). To know and believe that self-discipline is a good and loving thing. That God is a good and abundantly loving God.
It's like I said earlier: this is a straight up battle - a fight against all that was and a coming into all that really is. Maybe this is a topic for a later time, but I'm being struck with the beauty of reality recently - not on what isn't yet or what could be, but on what's right in front of me. How my actions, faith, perspective, walk, and circumstances matter today. How I have to take the bottom steps before I can get to the top ones. One day at a time. Living and trusting God in the present time, for the future time.. for all time? I'm thinkin yeah.
And this great love will bring about the discipline. Without the nasty or fear-and-rebellion-inducing connotations generally attached to the word.
This post is a bit ironic in point right now seeing as how I'm using it to procrastinate on things that I should go do right now that will be good for me.
Alright, off I go. Chip chip cheerio and all that sort!
Awesome!
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